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Children Are Remarkably Resilient

by Rob McClinton, Editor
Published in Issue #535 of The Orange Cat newsletter
January 11, 2025

Our hearts go out to everyone who has suffered a loss from the wildfires around Los Angeles. This gut-wrenching event is the kind that sticks with our kids on many levels. Being out of school, away from home, and smelling the fires daily will impact our kids, some of whom don't have the vocabulary to express feelings, especially about fear and loss.When the evacuation orders came, my family found ourselves in a hotel room watching orange flames illuminate the hillsides. My children's questions echoed those I'd hear from parents across Pasadena in the days that followed: Is our house going to catch fire? Will we see our friends again? Are we safe?Like many parents, I found myself searching for the right words. And trying to find the "right" things to do to support my kids.That's when I thought of Dr. Micah Orliss, Clinical Assistant Professor of Pediatrics, Keck School of Medicine, whom I first met through his work with foster families like mine. As Program Area Lead for Project Heal at Children's Hospital Los Angeles, Dr. Orliss specializes in helping children process traumatic events. His team works directly with families while also coordinating broader responses to community crises.In times like these, his insights feel particularly valuable for parents trying to navigate their children's needs while processing their own emotions.How Children Learn to Cope
When I asked about helping children handle their anxiety, Dr. Orliss emphasized a fundamental truth: our children are watching us to learn how to respond. "Children are remarkably resilient," he explained, "but they look to us to understand how to respond to anxiety, loss, and uncertainty."
This doesn't mean we need to hide our emotions. In fact, Dr. Orliss suggests the opposite: "It's okay to be authentic. It's okay for parents to be sad and have their feelings as well." The key is showing our children how we cope with those feelings constructively.The Power of Patience
One challenge many parents face is children asking the same questions repeatedly: "Are we safe? Will you wake me up if something's going to happen?" Dr. Orliss emphasizes that this repetition, though potentially frustrating for parents, is actually an important part of how children process difficult experiences. "Annoying as it can be for parents to have to keep responding to the same question again and again, that is a reflection of that underlying process," he explains.
The key is to remain patient and consistent to give reassurance and acknowledge the feelings behind the questions. Our kids are building emotional resilience through asking you and hearing your calm, consistent replies.Age-Specific Responses
Different ages require different approaches. For toddlers and young children, Dr. Orliss recommends keeping explanations brief but honest: "This was scary, but we're keeping you safe." Watch for changes in sleep patterns or behavior, which are normal stress responses that typically resolve with support.
He suggests creating opportunities for older children and teens to help others affected by the fires. He suggests asking them questions to engage them in active involvement. Questions like, "What do you think we can do to help your friend who lost their home?" They can process their emotions through purposeful action.Living with Daily Reminders
One of my concerns was how to handle the visible reminders of loss in our community. Dr. Orliss acknowledged this challenge directly: "You can't choose to not drive past your school or avoid seeing the houses that burned down in your neighborhood." Instead of trying to avoid these triggers, he suggests helping children process these experiences in small doses.
Maintaining normal activities, like visits to Kidspace or the California Science Center, can actually help children feel that life is gradually moving forward. However, Dr. Orliss emphasizes following your child's lead: "If they're not feeling up to visiting an exhibit about fire safety right now, that's perfectly okay. We can acknowledge that it feels too close to home and choose something else instead."Signs to Watch For
Perhaps most importantly, Dr. Orliss wants parents to understand that healing isn't just about getting through these first few weeks. "We don't know which kids are going to weather this storm," he explains, noting that while children are remarkably resilient, each will process this experience in their own way and time.
What should parents watch for in the months ahead? Dr. Orliss suggests paying attention if your child is still showing significant changes two to four months from now. This might appear as:
- Persistent sleep problems
- Unusual clinginess or difficulty separating
- Regression in younger children (like potty training challenges)
- Changes in school behavior or academic performance
- Withdrawal from usual activities or friends
These observations aren't about hovering anxiously, but about staying lovingly aware of how our children are processing this experience. "You know your kids better than any professional does," he emphasizes. "You will know who's recovering okay and who's still a little shaky."Looking Forward
As our conversation drew to a close, Dr. Orliss shared a perspective that captures both the challenge and hope of our situation: "Everything will be okay for many families in the grand scheme of things, but everything's going to be very different too." Our task isn't to pretend nothing has changed but to help our kids build resilience by facing this uncertainty together.
And if you see ongoing signs of stress, reach out for support. Children's Hospital Los Angeles and several community agencies in the foothills area offer it. Doing so isn't a sign of failure. Getting support gives our children the help they need to process this generational experience.Till next time,
Rob

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